Self-Compassion
Self- A person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others, especially considered as the object of introspection (The examination or observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes).
Compassion – sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it; mercy. The feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering. To recognize the suffering of others, then take action to help. A deep awareness of and sympathy for another’s suffering.
Synonyms- pity, sympathy, empathy, fellow feeling, care, concern, solicitude, sensitivity, warmth, love, tenderness, mercy, leniency, tolerance, kindness, humanity, charity.
Sitting on my bed at 648am in the morning, completely distracted by my cellphone, I’ve been up since about 230am trying to complete my FAFSA as well as my son’s, washing clothes, looking for colleges also for my son, considering the homework packet that I dread opening from my little one’s school (it is thick), and still thinking about the work that I will have to complete when I finally leave the house for work. Well at least I don’t have classes today, we are on break for two whole days. My honest preference is to close this laptop and lay it down for a few more hours, the last of hurricane Nate is rolling through Atlanta and it’s thundering and lightening. I am so tired, I am soooo tired. I am worn honestly. Not to the point of burn out or unraveling, yet I am tired.
Do you have days like this? Are you tired? Are you worn out? Do you have a lot going on in your life? Is the job crazy? Working on that PHD and supporting a family? Are you a first-year student in college trying to take it all in? Let’s go a little deeper here…. Some of the things that I note are tough but we manage to make it through. For some, it is tougher than for others but as I said, we manage. But what about those of us who may be really struggling. The basics compounded with much more complex issues than that I’ve listed. What about trying to do all of that and being emotionally worn out? What about taking care of children by yourself, with no help, and living with depression? What about finding out that you have a terminal illness while you are in the prime of your life, not expecting to have to walk down a road of continuous surgeries and doctor’s appointments? What about losing your house? Being left by a spouse? What about being repeatedly rejected when all you want to do is be loved? Looking for a job now for the past year and it’s still not working out. Find yourself at the hand of an abuser when you thought that you had
found the love of your life. Both of your parents are dead and you have no family or not many friends; so, you spend most holidays alone. Your child has a disability and they have never really established true friendships, so you watch them suffer in silence. You grew up without one of your parents. You have always wanted a relationship with your father but he never has a shown any interest in having a relationship with you. You desire to have children but have yet to be successful in conceiving. You are reckless in our behavior and find yourself sleeping with man after man or vice versa because you have been repeatedly hurt or have deeper issues that you haven’t been able to get a handle of. You haven’t financially arrived and still are living from check to check. You have a child who has fallen into trouble and you wonder, was it something that I could have done better for them that their fate would be as is, you so desperately want to be married but you keep being overlooked and or disappointed. Just to consider a few minor or major afflictions to consider.
Can we relate in anyway? Maybe none of the listed afflictions hit home, but you have one. There is something about your life that you may be able to identify with that you either classify as a dysfunction, dilemma, or a thorn in your side. How do you feel about it? Do you condemn yourself for every little thing that you do that isn’t correct? Do you overly frustrate yourself when others seem to have a problem with your dysfunction more than you do? Are you arbitrarily holding yourself to a standard that you just can’t keep right now? I ask these questions because, we, or let me say I have a terrible way of being extremely understanding of others dysfunction or struggle and come home to the mirror and whip myself repeatedly over my own issues. For the most part, as human beings, we are sympathetic to the needs of others. We see a person who is down and out and we immediately look for aid to address their issue. We see a homeless person on the street and we start shuffling for change or a dollar or two to share. If a friend is struggling with an issue we are there to console and provide words of encouragement to meet the situation. We are motivated to take actions when we see the desperate needs of others and yet…we don’t quite exercise that same compassion for ourselves. There is the word finally, compassion. We become “Compassion International” for everybody else but ourselves. It’s not always the big things either. We do it in such subtle ways. We want to volunteer for “Habitat for Humanity”, the “Food Bank”, church activities, sending money to “Go Fund Me Accounts”, making care packages for the homeless, volunteering at your child’s school, oh my God the list could go on forever. But when do we truly exercise self-compassion. When do we ever look at ourselves as the projects that we take on to save the world for?
We’ve got needs, we have issues, we need ourselves. We need ourselves and those who are closely attached to us need us and the energy that we pay forward so much. Have you ever looked at yourself through the lenses of compassion? Are you conscious enough to scan yourself/your life and feel your distress? Firstly, and be totally honest with what you see that you need. I am not saying that we should pity ourselves in such a manner that we sit in stupor feeling sorry for self. But rather, acknowledging that we truly have deficits, and being willing to provide
solutions to meet our own needs as we so readily to for others. We are delicate in nature and the fact that we turn into our own task masters, and work under self-induced duress, trying to operate like we don’t have problems is insane. It’s like holding yourself hostage or in bondage because your life isn’t perfect or because you have a problem. We must practice mindful introspection. If we can have a deep awareness of other persons issues, or pain. Surely, we can do the same for self.
I don’t know who told us that it wasn’t cool to care for yourself, but I am learning that it is one of the greatest lies told. We have been taught so much about service to our fellow man that we totally have neglected ourselves. Notice I didn’t say that we have forgotten about ourselves. Truth is we are constantly reminded by the salt that is added to our wounds day after day; but we liken to respond like things will just readjust or go back to its intended original form. Not so. The same kindness and warmth that we give strangers and friends is the same that we need to remain or become healthy emotionally and physically. We must be kind to ourselves and not only that, we must exercise tolerance with the person we see in the mirror. I wonder about the countless number of persons who abruptly decided to take their lives because they were not patient enough with themselves. They didn’t offer themselves any mercy over their struggles. We can’t become overwhelmed with ourselves just because outsiders have decided that it’s too much for them. We must extend compassion inwardly. We must go easy on our self. We must be patient with our process, issues, struggles, short comings, adverse experiences that we didn’t directly bring upon ourselves and the more.
We like to win people over with our random acts of kindness of love. Mainly I think so because we are seeking the reciprocation of love and relationship. Yet we violate ourselves and look over our very natural needs to ensure that others are okay.
I am not saying that we won’t ever extend to others and still need a thing. We will find ourselves wiping tears from another’s eye while hold back ours. We will advocate on behalf of someone while needing someone to advocate on our behalf. We will be a great friend to others, and not receive invites to dinners. We will give money to the homeless and go home to barren pantries.
What I am challenging you to do is to take an overall scan of what you already know you need and exercise compassion upon yourself. Allow you to provide “you” a break. This can be emotionally, physically, mentally, and tangibly. Go lite, go easy on yourself, be okay with alleviating yourself of ones suffering by not ignoring it, or coming up with the slogans like “sleep is for the weak”. Compassion plays out as…I am so very tired, so I give myself the permission to go to freaking bed. Exercising self-compassion will allow you to provide “yourself with whatever you see that you need”. Self-Compassion is not a display of weakness or self-pity; rather it is an act of love for self. Fall in love and keep canvassing.